


Is Love Enough

by labct1



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Lambski, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 17:20:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/310226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labct1/pseuds/labct1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set almost two years after they meet.   It explores how they handle / survive a long distance relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An old fic from LJ I'm posting here

Twenty short months. Or twenty long months depending on the day. Right now, sitting at the hotel waiting for his boyfriend to arrive, only to get a text that his flight's delayed, it's twenty long months.

Adam grabs his room key and heads down to the bar. He's restless, anxious. He's been feeling more and more unsettled. The situation with Sauli has been weighing heavily on his mind lately. Although in fairness, it's not anything about Sauli. Sauli's perfect, as perfect as the day the met. It's the distance that has Adam all messed up. They managed the first six months without a hitch. Everything was new, and the traveling was exciting. Then Sauli stayed in LA for a few months where they got to spend significant time together. They weren't sure how it would work out; would they get on each others' nerves or would it be easy? Adam smiles at the memories because it worked out better than either of them had hoped. It was, well, it was perfect.

Then came his album and all the promo. Sauli had to go back to Finland because his visa expired and Adam flew around the world for appearances. They would meet up at various cities and Adam flew to Finland when he was near there. They made it work - with texts, calls, trust and mostly love - lots and lots of love.

Adam's tour preparations meant two months they didn't see each other. He started the tour with the international leg, which resulted in short meetings in various cities around the world.  This is their last one before Adam starts the US tour.  Their last visit before another two month hiatus.  Even when the US tour is over, Sauli will only be able to stay for a short visit on a new visa, then they'll have to work out another schedule. Adam rakes his hands through his hair in frustration.   

All this planning and figuring out when and where they can see each other again is driving him crazy. Lately there are times he feels like he has a part time boyfriend.

His phone buzzes and Sauli sends him his new arrival time. It's only a couple of hours, it's not bad. That's what he tells himself anyway.

* * *

"Hey," Adam says when Sauli finally arrives. Sauli gives him that smile, the one that always makes Adam's heart skip a beat, and a kiss.

"I'm exhausted," Sauli says collapsing on the bed.

Adam laughs and follows him down. He remembers a time when Sauli would be begging for Adam to make love to him before they even shut the door, now he barely gets a kiss. Not that it's anyone's fault. They're both worn out. The last eight months have taken a toll.

Adam lays down next to him and turns his chin until Sauli faces him. He watches Sauli's eyes go serious while Adam gently strokes the side of his face. He loves him, with every fiber of his being, he loves this man.

"Let's move someplace where we can be together always," Adam says and he can tell he's surprised Sauli. His blue eyes get large and his bottom lip drops. Adam leans down to kiss his mouth, sighing when Sauli deepens it.

"What?" Sauli whispers when they break and Adam smiles, his finger rubbing his bottom lip.

"Like England," Adam says and he shrugs.

"Adam, we've never discussed...." Sauli trails off, his eyes looking for something in Adam and he wishes he knew what he was searching for. "I don't understand." Sauli says with a frown.

"I don't want to do this back and forth anymore," he answers honestly. Admitting out loud what's been on his mind for a while. "I'm exhausted. You're exhausted."

He gets up and paces the floor, his hands running angrily through his hair. "You know straight couples in our position can get married. Boom, solves all the problems. But gay couples, we don't have that option. We don't have any fucking options, " he says angrily. "We're forced to come up with other alternatives. I say we move to London, or Paris. Fuck it.  There must be somewhere we could live together. Maybe Finland."

Sauli doesn't say anything and it makes Adam nervous. Finally Sauli stands up and walks over to him.

"Adam, Finland wouldn't work and you know it. Can you picture yourself there for an entire winter?" Sauli asks.

"So we travel in the winter," Adam says shrugging. Neither of them mention how much Sauli would love to move to LA. They've looked into it and he doesn't qualify. Bringing it up would be throwing salt on both their wounds.

"And would you really be happy away from your family? Your career?"

Adam doesn't answer and Sauli asks another question. "Why do you want to do this? Really?"

"I told you," he snaps. "We can't keep doing this."

Adam said the one thing they have both known for a while but neither was ready to admit out loud. He can feel his chin quivering. "I can't do this anymore," his voice hitching with the emotion he tries to hold inside.

Sauli's thumb wipes a stray tear away. "I know," he says quietly and then just as sadly, "Neither of us can."

* * *

"It's not right," Sauli cries that night. Their lovemaking was desparate, needy. Now, instead of basking in the afterglow they're crying over what ifs, and whys.

"I know baby," Adam murmurs, his own eyes wet.

"We love each other," Sauli cries harder, and Adam can feel the wetness on his chest.

Adam doesn't say anything. He holds him closer and gives himself up to the emotions he's trying to hold inside until they are clutching each other and openly weeping together.

"Why isn't love enough?" Sauli asks when his emotions are more in control.

That's the million dollar question that has no answer. A little while later, Sauli's breathing evens out and Adam knows he fell asleep. He spends the next few hours trying to find a way to make it work.   In the morning, Adam still hasn't found any solutions.

* * *

“Remember when you tweeted my name and deleted it.” 

Adam starts laughing. “Like I can forget. And your name trended for hours.”

They have a few hours before Adam has to leave and they’ve been playing ‘remember when’, reliving their relationship before they say good-by to it.

“Then Rakastan,” Sauli teases, his eyes glinting like they do when he knows he’s gotten the best of Adam.

“Oh God.” But Adam’s laughing with the memories.

“How about when you all but forgot your fathers name when you first introduced us?” Adam teases back, the memory of Sauli stuttering playing in his mind.

Sauli laughs out loud. “That was so funny,” he says.

They get quiet, lost in their own thoughts. Saulis’ head is lying on Adam’s chest, his fingers softly brushing the hair there. Adam would be content to stay here forever.

“Bora Bora,” Sauli whispers and Adam kisses the top of his head.

“Best vacation I’ve ever had,” Adam responds quietly.

Sauli lifts his head and Adam can see his eyes looking over his features as if committing them to memory.

“Rakastan sinua,” he whispers, “forever.”

“Rakastan sinua,” Adam answers back, “forever.”

They kiss, and it’s gentle and bittersweet. Their hands roam over bodies they know so well, bodies they’ll never touch again. Adam worships Sauli’s body, taking his time to kiss every last inch once more. When they’re finally one, it’s with their eyes locked together, their hands clasped tightly and their names on each others lips.

* * *

“I don’t want to go,” Adam cries out, holding on to Sauli like a lifeline. How is he going to go on without Sauli in his life?

“I don’t want to either,” Sauli says, crying as hard as Adam. They keep wiping tears off each others face, sharing desperate kisses.

“Please tell me we’ll stay in touch. I don’t think I could handle never talking to you again.” Adam begs.

“You’re my best friend. How could I not talk to you?”

They hug each other tight, one last time before he leaves. He pulls his sunglasses down, hiding the tear filled eyes from the world and quickly exits the hotel.  He already feels the loss.  His heart is heavy and it's like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.  He makes his way to the car, fighting the urge to turn and run back to the room.

“Are you ready Mr. Lambert,” the driver asks once Adam is in the car.

Adam looks out the door window, his hand on the glass. He sees Sauli staring down at him from the hotel room.  Then he sees Sauli blow him a kiss before he steps back inside. Adam takes a shaky breath and turns away.

“Yes, I’m ready.”


	2. Chapter 2

The one thing Sauli prided himself on was making it on his own. He never wanted to take advantage of his relationship with Adam, never even thought about it, and he had opportunities, lots of opportunities. His private life was his private life. Their relationship was nobody's business but their own, and he made sure to keep it close to the vest. Except for one night when he broke down and confessed everything to his father. He told him about the frustrations of only seeing Adam for a day or two every few weeks. Then, he told him about what was the biggest obstacle for him. Sauli told him about his struggle to find a balance between having his own career and maintaining his relationship with Adam.

"I want to make something of myself," Sauli said. "Adam asked me about working for him on his tour so we could be together but I don't want to be a charity case."

"Do you think that's how he thought of it? I think he was trying to find a way for you to be together."

Sauli paces the floor. "I know but I want to make it on my own. Like you did," he finishes quietly.

He feels his fathers hands on his shoulders. "Sauli, I'd give it all away if it meant losing your mother." Sauli remained silent. "You need to decide if your pride is worth sacrificing Adam. Because that's what's stopping you. Just make sure you don't live to regret it."

That conversation was one week ago. Now he's at the airport staring at the ticket in his hand. The one he bought a while ago. He had planned to surprise Adam in New York. He was going to get a bottle of champagne, some strawberries, massage oil, candles, basically everything you need for a romantic get away. Granted Adam would still have to work, but at night, when his concerts were done, he could come back to the room where Sauli planned to spoil him. It was a perfect plan. Until they broke up.

Now, he hopes that same ticket will be the first step in getting Adam back. It's been four weeks since they last saw each other. He hopes Adam will be happy to see him, and that he'll listen.

They announce it's time to board the plane. Sauli grabs his bag and takes one step closer to Adam.

* * *

Sauli arrives at the hotel and checks in. He makes his way to this room, wondering the best way to approach Adam. There's still a couple of hours until Adams's show will be over so he decides to shower and change. He spends another few minutes putting his stuff away, then decides to take a nap. Except he can't sleep so he calls his sister instead. An hour later he grabs his Ipad - one of the birthday gifts from Adam - and heads down to the lobby to wait. At two am he gives up and heads back to his room. He waits another hour before sending Adam a text.

 _Can you talk_ and Sauli waits an agonizing ten minutes before Adam answers.

 _Give me five. Just getting to my hotel_

Sauli stares at the phone for a few minutes before getting the courage to type _im in room 812_

His phone rings and Sauli takes a deep breath before he answers it. "You're here?" There's no greeting, just the question.

"Yes. I was hoping we could talk but I know you're busy," Sauli lets the sentence hang.

"Let me take a quick shower and I'll be there in half hour."

"Okay."

There's silence, neither quite knowing what else to say, and it's starting to turn awkward. Sauli's about to end the call when Adam's voice comes over the line. "I've missed you."

In all their conversations since that day they've never talked about the past, mostly they talk about Adam's career, their friends and family. It was an unspoken agreement not to drag the pain out any more than they needed to so they stayed on safer topics.

Hearing Adam say what's been on Sauli's mind during every phone call and text releases some of the tension from his body.

"I've missed you too," he says softly.  "I'll see you in a little bit."

He checks his appearance in the mirror.  His hair is a little longer and he wonders if Adam will like it.  He brushes his teeth and washes his hands and face, trying to kill some time and settle his nerves.  He's about to turn the TV on when he hears a knock on his door and Adam's voice.

Sauli rubs his hands on his jeans and opens the door.  God, he looks amazing, though a little tired.  That's his first thought.   His second one is how stupid he was to not fight for him.

"Are you going to let me in?" Adam asks, a smile on his lips.  Sauli smiles back and opens the door to let Adam in.

"You look good," Adam says as they stand there looking at each other.

"You do too," he answers.  They both start to talk at the same time which makes them laugh and Sauli's brought back to various times they would spend in bed laughing and teasing each other. 

"What are you doing in New York?"

Sauli licks his lips and avoids looking Adam in the eyes.   He figures total honesty is the only way to go forward so he mans up and looks into his face.  "Do you have any regrets about us?"

Adam's eyes widen and a gush of air escapes his lips.  It takes everything inside Sauli not to look away.  "Do you?"

"Yes," he answers without hesitation.   "A lot of them."

"Like what?"  
   
Sauli walks over to sit in the chair at the desk.  "I would have taken your request to move somewhere together seriously instead of brushing it off.  I would have accepted your help with getting me a visa, even if it meant working for you."

"What if it meant me making concessions to a radio or TV station?"  
   
Sauli knows he's referring to the opportunity to be a correspondent that he turned down when they suggested it would help if Adam gave them an interview when his album came out.  He only mentioned it to Adam after he told them no thanks, making it a mute point, and making Adam angry that Sauli threw away a chance to be in the US longterm.  It was the only thing they ever really fought about but it was a biggie.

"Even then, provided you were okay with it.  I'd never want you to compromise or feel like you had to do something you weren't comfortable doing."

Adam scoots down on his knees in front of the chair and takes Sauli's hands in his.   "Sauli," he says quietly.  "I would agree to almost anything to keep you with me for as long as possible.  I got the feeling you didn't feel the same way."

"I'm sorry you thought that.  I'm sure you had people who wanted to be with you for the wrong reasons.  I didn't want you to think I was with you for what it could get me."

Adam kisses Sauli's hands.  "Never.  I never thought that of you."

"Back to my question.  Do you have any regrets?"

"A few."

Adam gets up and sits on the edge of the bed.   Sauli looks at the bags under his eyes and his heart hurts for the stress that Adam's been under.  He feels guilty knowing he probably put some of that there.

"What's the biggest one?"  he asks because that's probably the only one that counts.

"That I left.  That I didn't turn the car around that morning."

"Well..."

"That I was on tour and couldn't get on a plane and go after you.  That everytime we talked I said goodbye without tell you I still loved you."   Adam looks down at his hands and then back at Sauli.  "I was planning on flying to Finland after my tour in the states was done.  I was going to plead, beg, whatever I had to do to get you to take me back."

"It wouldn't have taken much."  Sauli says with a smile, his heart beating a little faster.

"No?"

Sauli shakes his head.  "You would have only needed to do one thing."

"What's that?" 

Sauli's heart beats faster when he sees the intensity in those blue eyes.  It's been so long since Adam's looked at him that way.   "Kiss me."

Adam gives him that look again and it turns Sauli's insides to jelly.  He licks his lips in anticipation but as quick as the fire came into Adam's eyes, it's gone.  Sauli prepares himself for disappointment. 

"Would you have married me if I asked?"

Sauli snaps his head up.  "But, but you can't get married in California," he stutters.  Marriage?  They never came close to discussing anything like that.

"Answer my question.  I answered yours.  It's a yes or no."

Sauli's mind is working a mile a minute trying to figure out where Adam is going.  For once, Adam's face isn't giving anything away and it makes him nervous.  He opens his mouth to say something and Adam raises an eyebrow, that's it, no words, no smile, just an eyebrow and Sauli knows without a doubt what his answer would have been.

"Yes.  I would've said yes."

Adam smiles but Sauli's too nervous trying to figure out how they got from regrets to marriage.  Was Adam planning on asking him before they split?  Or maybe it's something he thought about afterwards.

"Sauli, stop thinking and come here," Adam says, holding out his hand. 

Sauli stands and walks to him, not sure if they've cleared things up or where things stand. 

"Do you want us to work out?" and Sauli nods.  "Good.  Me too.  More than anything.  I've been miserable."

"Me too," Sauli whispers, the first tingles of relief spreading through his body.  "I've missed you so much."  He can't resist anymore and lays his head on Adam's shoulder. 

"I'm going to marry you Sauli.  One day.  It won't give you a pass to citizenship nor will it let you stay in the US but I don't care.  That's not why I would marry you.  I'm going to marry you because I love you."

Sauli cries and says very softly, "I love you too."

"Now can we kiss and make up and go to bed.  In the morning we'll figure out how to get you a job and a visa, but for tonight I want to hold you close and make love with you."

Sauli's body shivers with memories.  He presses his lips to Adam's, letting him know without words what he wants.

And later, when Adam's sound asleep, snoring softly, Sauli strokes his fingers through his hair and places soft kisses on his head.  His father was right.   His life means nothing without Adam.  He closes his eyes and snuggles closer, the heat from Adam's body lulling him to sleep. 

One day Adam's going to marry him and it will be the happiest day of his life.  But this is going to be a close second. 

  



End file.
